The 28 contestants in the upcoming season of The Bachelorette were revealed Thursday, and ABC posted a short online bio for each man on their website. Two ex-NFL players – Clay Harbor and Colton Underwood – will compete for the affection of The Bachelorette, but some clear favorites have emerged in the competition even before the first episode airs.
The Bachelorette for this season is Becca Kufrin, the woman who was shockingly dumped by Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr. earlier this year in one of the most infuriating episodes in the history of reality television.
So, who are the favorites to receive the final rose? We read every contestant’s profile and ranked them solely on their bio.
“Chase competed in the College World Series twice as third baseman for the University of South Carolina. He loves adventure, the outdoors and is excited to embrace wherever life takes him.”
A man who can handle the hot corner is the type of person you marry.
“Lincoln would love to have a big family to make his mom proud. Fun fact, Lincoln was named after Abraham Lincoln.”
We just want Lincoln’s mom to be happy.
“Post-football, Colton has dedicated himself to helping children fighting Cystic Fibrosis. When he’s not working on his charity, he’s spending time with his family and his dog, Sniper.”
Colton landed a date with Aly Raisman though Twitter, so he’s not afraid to shoot his shot. Dogs are a plus.
“Christian’s biggest date fear is spilling something on himself in front of our Bachelorette.”
Same, Christian. Same.
“Mike loves festivals, horse races and state fairs. He also loves his bulldog, Riggins.”
Mike sounds like he knows how to party, but also break down the Redskins’ 2019 draft needs. A valuable skillset for any potential match.
“…is extremely passionate about fitness and health. He comes from a family of successful entrepreneurs that retired in their 40s, and he’s determined to do the same!”
Chris probably has strong takes about alkaline water.
“Before he knew it, he was flying around the world entertaining thousands with his acrobatic dunks. Now a professional dunker in LA, Christon hopes finding love with the Bachelorette will be a lay-up.”
As Vince Carter has proven, one cannot remain a professional dunker forever. Christon needs to work extending his range.
“A self-proclaimed country music lover, Alex enjoys spending time with his dog, Donzi, and taking trips to the beach with his boat. When he’s not out on the water, you can find Alex hitting the ski slopes out West.”
For someone who claims to love the water so much, it’s strange that Alex lives in Atlanta, which is hundreds of miles from a beach. Can Becca trust that Alex has his priorities in line?
“Clay loves hip-hop and country music, and likes to think he’s a good mix of a city and country boy. He is a true gentleman who doesn’t even curse!”
Clay probably really liked that Nelly/Tim McGraw collab back in the day.
“He loves his job as an Editorial Designer, but not as much as he loves Harry Potter. Wills is hoping to cast an enchanting spell on the Bachelorette!”
Can’t wait until the moment on the first date when Wills corrects Becca’s pronunciation of “Leviosa!”
“He dreams of finding a woman who can keep up with his lifestyle and be his best friend first, and lover second.”
Finding a woman who becomes his best friend first and lover second seems like a lot of plot to fit into a dream. How long is Rickey sleeping?
“This banjo-playing Cape Cod native is extremely close to his family. They all play together in a bluegrass band. He loves playing the banjo, ukulele, guitar and trombone.”
Ryan’s chances seem to hinge entirely on whether Becca is pro-banjo or not, which is a precarious position.
“Jean Blanc went to college at Duke, got a masters degree in business administration and then moved to Memphis to work as an engineer. He recently relocated to Pensacola where he works in finance and continues to add to his very impressive cologne collection.”
Becca may regret her choice when Jean Blanc gets her perfume AGAIN for the 13th consecutive Valentines Day.
“He has been on the cover of romance novels and has done catalog work as well.”
“Did you see me in the latest SkyMall?”
“When he’s not on an outdoor adventure, he’s perfecting his Chris Farley impression. He’s excited to find love with the Bachelorette…down by the river!”
I’m sure Becca won’t grow tired of Garrett’s Chris Farley impression by the third episode.
“Despite excelling at football and basketball, Blake has a secret talent… he’s a great swing dancer! Blake is hoping to sweep the Bachelorette off her feet!”
This isn’t Dancing With The Stars, Blake.
“He’s also jumped off the third highest bungee jump in the world! He is a hopeless romantic who likes to write poems and loves a good dance.”
Third-highest bungee jump? You’re trying to a woo Becca with third-highest?
“If the Bachelorette can handle a healthy dose of sarcasm, there will definitely be sparks with Grant!”
Grant doesn’t sound like a very safe electrician.
“When he’s not working, you can find him wine tasting, playing guitar or making his world-famous banana bread.”
So you’re telling me, John, that if I take a vacation and go up to a stranger in Hong Kong or London or wherever with your photo, they’ll go ‘the banana bread guy!’ I need receipts.
“He travels frequently and has been to over 11 countries in the past few years.”
Why didn’t Darius specify the exact number of countries he’s traveled to? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, DARIUS?
“A successful banker with a heart of gold. When Jason’s not rooting for his hometown Buffalo Bills, he’s belting out tunes from his favorite Disney movies.”
When Josh Allen doesn’t work out this guy’s going to be depressed and humming “Someday My Prince Will Come” 24/7.
“When he’s not winning trials, you can catch him in his signature tracksuits being the life of the party. Nick is a self-proclaimed “weekend warrior” who loves brunches, barbeques and the beach.”
There’s a 100 percent chance Nick’s Facebook profile picture was taken at a Tough Mudder.
“Leo’s been growing his hair for 10 years and prefers the “messy bun” look.”
Leo probably takes a long time in the shower and spends a lot on conditioner.
“He loves guacamole, but hates avocado. Hopefully, that’s not a deal breaker for the Bachelorette!”
Wait, what? Do you also love ketchup and hate tomatoes, David?
“A former Business/Accounting major, Jordan turned his good looks into a professional modeling career. When he’s not posing for magazines shoots giving his best “pensive gentleman” look, Jordan enjoys kayaking and running.”
Well good for you, pensive gentleman Jordan.
“Connor is a risk-taker, whose health and fitness is his #1 priority.”
Why would Becca choose to be less than a #1 priority? Come on, Connor.
“Just don’t ask Kamil to get his hands too dirty, he has a terrible fear of spiders!”
Why would Kamil get his hands dirty killing spiders? How exactly are you killing spiders, Kamil?
“He followed his family’s footsteps in the grocery store world, where he currently owns and manages his own store. Successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love, Joe’s ripe and ready to be picked by the Bachelorette.”
If I know anything about produce, it’s that what is ripe today will soon be spoiled.