Actress Elizabeth "Beanie" Feldstein, the younger sister of "Wolf of Wall Street" star Jonah Hill, is reflecting on the lessons she's learned since the unexpected death of their older brother in December 2017.
Jordan, a talent manager who worked with Maroon 5 and Robin Thicke, was only 40 when he died of a pulmonary embolism, or a blood clot, in an artery in his lung.
About a year ago, Jordan Feldstein passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. He was a remarkably generous, intelligent, loving person. He was an incredible father, beloved by his boys, Beanie wrote in an InStyle essay titled "Grief Glasses," which she shared on Instagram Tuesday night.
He was a deeply devoted son. He was a brilliant creative mind. And he was my biggest brother. He gave me so many things, including my name.
Beanie, 25, wrote, Grief is just impossible. It cannot be contained or summarized or enclosed. To describe the wound grief leaves if you have not experienced it is to come to it hazy and out of focus.
In fact, she likened her anguish to a pair of glasses that change her perception of everything around her.
Its like all of a sudden, a pair of glasses were strapped to my face, she explained. And I cant take them off. Ever. And these glasses make me see the world differently than I did before. The colors bleed together more vividly. But they are somehow more than they ever were before. More visceral. More vibrant. More present. Simultaneously more awe-inspiring and more aching.
Sometimes, she wrote, "I can push the glasses to the end of my nose so I can peer over them to see the world the way I used to see. But I can only see over or around. I can never see it totally as it ever was again."
And that's the part she didn't see coming:�This monumental shift in perspective. Not only does the world become so much deeper and more painful, but sometimes unbelievably alive with joy and gratitude.
She added that although there are times she wishes she could remove her "grief glasses," she's ultimately grateful to have them and to be a member of a group she didn't expect to join so young: people mourning the death of a loved one.
It is a club full of suffering and questioning but is also a community of people that have a truly broadened perspective on the human experience. And if you are also in the club,�please�know you are not alone, because I am also a begrudging member, Beanie wrote.
Beanie, who stars in the film "Booksmart" (out May 24) and appears in FX's new adaptation of the vampire comedy "What We Do in the Shadows,"�was interviewed and photographed by brother Jonah, 35, for an "Interview" feature published last week.
She noted that Hill's 2018 directorial debut, the skateboard dramedy "Mid90s," allowed him a chance to explore his consciousness and learn to love himself.
"What I wish for you is that you could see you the way I see you," she told him.
The siblings also bonded over long-running cartoon "The Simpsons" which Hill, a superfan, said helped inspire him to write and direct the coming-of-age story.
"You could definitely make an argument for us being a lot like Lisa and Bart when we were kids, even though we were 10 years apart," he told Beanie.
"I will never forget the day you found out that Bart is played by a girl (actress Nancy Cartwright)," his younger sister recalled.�"It was perhaps the most tragicomic day in existence. You were just gobsmacked, and you felt intensely betrayed."